Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Today marks the first step for me really.

I’m getting my hair cut short. It’s something I still have a little control over. I always used to love having my hair short, but now I don’t really have much choice, I don’t want to do it. There have already been tears this morning, and no doubt there will be more later when I have it done. It’s the right thing to do. If I’m going to lose it anyway, surely having it short makes the transition easier. Even if not by much. The next step is going wig shopping.

I woke up today feeling angry. Angry and scared. So, so scared of what’s to come and all the things I’m going to have to go through, and what I’m putting my family and friends through. It breaks my heart that I’ve made so many people cry this week. My brother had cancer when he was 17, and although he’s 40 now, I’m just so sad that my parents have to go through this again. It’s all still quite raw. I’m taking it one day at a time, but I’m still not really sure what’s going on in my head.

So many people are telling me that I’m brave. But I’m not, I’m anything but. What I actually am is scared out of my wits. Not just about the next few months, but about the rest of my life. This is always going to be part of  my life, it’s always going to be there and there’s no getting away from that.

I’ve had so much support from my family and friends and I’m so grateful for that. I told my brother before I told my mum and dad. I knew he’d be more rational than them. He came with me when I told them, which I think helped mum to stay strong and not break down in front of me.

It’s not that I’m trying to avoid my mum at the moment, it’s just that I don’t think I can handle being around her. I know she’s distraught over this and I can’t bear to see her like it. If she see’s me upset, it’s going to start her off, and I’m such a mess at the moment I can’t guarantee that I won’t break down.

I just wish the doctor listened the first time. It makes me so angry. Why didn’t he just listen?

Enough. I have wallowed this morning. Now? Haircut time.

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3 responses to “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

  • Rach

    You are strong babe you know you are. Go treat yourself to a hair cut you will love and then buy a wig that looks the same!! So many people go through this too, never feel like you are alone. Just wanted to say you made me cry too, several times in fact. You have helped me realise the little things I worry about aren’t actually worth worrying about, for that I thank you. You have given me a new lease of life, I look at things differently. The only thing I wish is that I could be with you and give you a big hug. I want photos of the new do too 🙂 Lots of love xxxxxxx

  • Harryjsmummy

    U never know how strong you are unitl your faced with something where u have no choice but to be strong. U may not think ur brave babe but u have little choice to b anything but. We all know ur brave n that’s y we are gunna keep reminding you until u believe it. X

  • vesna

    Hello Roz,

    I write you from across the pond. I’ve just started reading your blog and I love it! We have some similarities already (besides both having had Hodgkin’s this year – I was diagnosed in March after several ER visits). I told my brother first, too. And he went with me to tell my parents. He’s a doctor so I thought it would be best for him to present the information to my parents. Well, I was wrong, he’s an Orthopedic Surgeon so he knows little about Hodgkins, but he was a tremendous source of support in telling my parents and through the whole thing. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this, but I must say I am enjoying your blog early in and look forward to reading the whole thing. Hope you’re well now.

    Oh, and like you, I was told I was brave but I felt nothing of the sort. I felt scared shitless too. I kept a good attitude and laughed in Hodgkin’s face often, but I also had my bad days.

    My thoughts and paryers are with you,

    Vesna

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