Today marks the first step for me really.
I’m getting my hair cut short. It’s something I still have a little control over. I always used to love having my hair short, but now I don’t really have much choice, I don’t want to do it. There have already been tears this morning, and no doubt there will be more later when I have it done. It’s the right thing to do. If I’m going to lose it anyway, surely having it short makes the transition easier. Even if not by much. The next step is going wig shopping.
I woke up today feeling angry. Angry and scared. So, so scared of what’s to come and all the things I’m going to have to go through, and what I’m putting my family and friends through. It breaks my heart that I’ve made so many people cry this week. My brother had cancer when he was 17, and although he’s 40 now, I’m just so sad that my parents have to go through this again. It’s all still quite raw. I’m taking it one day at a time, but I’m still not really sure what’s going on in my head.
So many people are telling me that I’m brave. But I’m not, I’m anything but. What I actually am is scared out of my wits. Not just about the next few months, but about the rest of my life. This is always going to be part of my life, it’s always going to be there and there’s no getting away from that.
I’ve had so much support from my family and friends and I’m so grateful for that. I told my brother before I told my mum and dad. I knew he’d be more rational than them. He came with me when I told them, which I think helped mum to stay strong and not break down in front of me.
It’s not that I’m trying to avoid my mum at the moment, it’s just that I don’t think I can handle being around her. I know she’s distraught over this and I can’t bear to see her like it. If she see’s me upset, it’s going to start her off, and I’m such a mess at the moment I can’t guarantee that I won’t break down.
I just wish the doctor listened the first time. It makes me so angry. Why didn’t he just listen?
Enough. I have wallowed this morning. Now? Haircut time.