Bleurgh

I’m sat here on the sofa with Frankie (my chocolate lab) curled up next to me, but I’m fully prepared to make a sharp exit to the bathroom, should I need to.

Isn't she cute?

Chemo went as planned on Wednesday, although the wife of the guy who is also having treatment for Hodgkin’s is annoying as hell! She thinks she knows it all because she had breast cancer a few years ago, and whilst I’m not belittling that at all, because it’s a horrible thing to go through, she doesn’t know me!

I’m not allowed to be part of the trial any more, so I don’t get a PET scan after 2 cycles of treatment. I was quite upset about this at first, the thought of that scan in the middle of April was the only thing keeping me going, I had something to focus on, something to look forward to in a way because I would have been able to see how my treatment was progressing. But because they spent so much time messing around between my initial CT scan in December and my actual diagnosis, the CT scan was not valid and therefore I’m not eligible for the trial any more. Although, I have at least found out that half way through I do get a PET or CT scan to see if the treatment is working, I just have to wait another month for it now.

This lot of chemo seems to have affected me a lot more. The sickness has been worse, and I’ve had dizziness as well. I’m ashamed to say I didn’t even get dressed yesterday.  The thing that seems to be setting off my sickness though, is remembering the smell. For some reason, two of the drugs (the Dacarbazine and the Bleomycin) seem to have this really unpleasant smell, and just thinking about it makes me want to be sick. I feel like I can smell it on me, on my hands, and every time I get a whiff, I have to go to the bathroom to be a little bit sick.

I haven’t lost any hair yet. I don’t know what is worse: waiting to lose it (I’m checking the pillow every morning, the brush every time I use it, and my hands after washing my hair) or actually losing it.

It’s feeling like this that is making me think I can’t do this another ten times. I can’t handle it. I feel miserable. But in a few hours, I’m going to have to magically just snap out of it and pretend I’m fine ready for an evening at my parent’s, because if my mum see’s me upset, she’ll start and that’s all I need!

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll feel a bit better. It’s my first mother’s day! I have my lovely in-laws coming over for dinner, and I am making a New York cheesecake! NOM!!

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5 responses to “Bleurgh

  • Helen

    oooooh cheesecake :oD xxxx

  • Damian Powell

    Mmmmm, cheesecake…

  • emma

    oooooooh how was the cheesecake?? hope u managed to have a lovely mothers day you more than anyone else i know deserves it, keep going roz your doing so well. lots and lots of love xxxxx

  • Chrissy

    The Cheesecake was fantastic! So was dinner, thankyou very much 🙂
    Hope you’re ok, see you next week! 🙂
    Lots of love and hugs xxxxx

  • zuzulatwentysomething

    grr,this is my 3rd attempt at leaving you a comment so apologies if you end up getting it more than once!

    I’m so glad you commented on my blog – it’s good to hear from you again. I have missed our little blogging community. I will never forget your wonderful posts about your wedding and your fabulous red dress.

    Of course I came straight here and read every single post and comment – as ever you write so well, and so candidly, I laughed and cried right along with you.

    You’re an inspirationally strong lady Roz – keep fighting, you will beat this fucker, I know you will.

    And can I also say… OMG you’re a mummy! when did THAT happen?! what a gorgeous baby, I hope you were spoiled rotten on Mothers Day 🙂

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