The One Where I Don’t Care

I don’t care if you wear the wrong shoes to work.

I don’t care if your train is late by ten minutes.

I don’t care if you break a nail.

I don’t care if you’re having a bad hair day.

And you know why?

Because I would give ANYTHING to switch places with you right now. I would give anything for an ounce of normality. For just a week where I didn’t have to go or think about going, or plan my day and childcare and everything else that goes with hospital appointments.

I’d give anything not to wake up and find hair on my pillow every morning, and see it in my hands when I have a shower.

I can’t wait for the day when a conversation doesn’t start with “How are you feeling today?”

Happy?

The positivity mask has come off and this is how I really feel. I don’t feel positive. I’m NOT OK with the fact that I have CANCER. I pretend to be for the sake of everyone else, and I’m not sure that I can keep doing it.

I can’t always be the positive person everyone thinks I am. I’m far from it today. Today I want to shout and scream “WHY ME? WHY ME?”

I’m 28. I’ve been married for nearly 4 years, and I have a son just about to turn one. This should be when my life is brilliant. Not put on hold for goodness knows how long because of this bitch of a disease.

I know my scan results were good, OK? I know everyone’s happy. And so am I. But what I’m not OK with is the fact that today I sat through chemo in tears because I know I’m nowhere near the end of all the crap yet. I’m not even half way through, and I can’t handle that.

Advertisements

5 responses to “The One Where I Don’t Care

  • hjsmummy

    jjeeeeezzzzz…. well ya know summit… im more than happy to read that blog !!!!! thats my girl……. my lovely old emotional roz !! dya kno what… i often dont ask how you are coz half the time i completely forget that you have that bitch of a disease… your roz and god i wish you bloody didnt have to endure it coz one things for sure you really dont deserve it….. the whole time ive known you, ive spoken about you to my mum and all i ever say is how lovely you are… how you deserved that beautiful boy of yours and so much more……. so bitch n moan and dont care as much as you like… whenever where ever…… im always willing to listen, n join in.. well yanno me. x

    and as much as your gunna hate to hear it…. everything IS gonna be ok…. yanno why, coz i bloody said so……!!!!!!!!!!!!! and yes babe…. you have been married for 4 years… and you have a beautiful son who will be turning one soon….. how lucky are you !! remember before jake…. remember how it felt wondering when he’d come along…… the good job, the house the car the puppys…… everything was in place…. just waiting for him to arrive……. so wow, what a beautiful boy. how much has life changed in a year eh !! and god how long have we known each other… i dont even know anymore !!! xx

    love u girl…… u know that by now….. so bitch n moan n rant all u like…. ill still love u x

  • Helen

    hey hun xxx
    you have a right to scream and shout and complain and SWEAR xxx you don’t deserve this shit xxx you do whatever you feel neccisary (or however you spell it) if you need to cry or moan or shout ….phone me xxx you know I’m here for you 24/7 darlin xxx will ring you tomorrow when kids are at school xxx love ya lots babe xxx

  • MoodyCow...

    I’m soooo sorry that I wasn’t there to help you through the bad time….damm stomach!!! Its good to let the hurt out…sending all my love….and a big cuddle….lots of love….xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • wardyboy2

    Hey rozzie, it’s Steve from the Lymphoma forums. Remember i’m right behind you, had number 4 (cycle 2b) today, and my scan is next week.

    I know exactly how you feel, I’m 29, married 4 yes in sep and first child due Oct. Then bang, Lymphoma. I’d do anything for this not to hsve happened and all I ever want to say to people with real crappy problems is: try having this then, I’ll swap!

    But in September this year, a meager 4 months from now we’ll be finished with this and getting back to normal. We can moan about ash clouds and the weather like normal folks.

    You’ve had amazing results and you’re a third of the way through already, WOW, well done. Easy!

  • Jay

    Uh, lady? I think you’re WELL WITHIN YOUR RIGHTS to stomp and scream and shout and kick off. I think I’d do it all the time. I’m not going to offer up words like “Oh it’ll be ok, there there, blah blah”…I’m not that type of person.

    But I WILL say, do what the hell you like. There are so many people out there who will support you, no matter what, and listen to you when you DO decide to really kick off (because I’m betting this post is only a tiny hint of how much you really want to scream).

    Just one request. Don’t let this cancer bitch get the better of you, ok? When you feel like getting pissy and stabby? Aim it at the cancer. That bitch deserves it.
    xxx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: