The Big Decision – A difficult post to write

I have a new favourite haematologist. I have seen her for my past 3 appointments. Her name is Lyndsey, she is probably about my age and she actually looks you in the eye when she talks to you.

I had a follow up appointment today, to be seen again in 2 months. Today was when we talked about pregnancy.

Let’s be clear. I’m not pregnant.

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I want another child, I’ve always been open about that. I think when I was diagnosed, I was more upset about the fact that the chemo could take my fertility than the fact that I actually had cancer. Having just one child has never been on the radar for me.

Although I wasn’t an only child, there was a huge age gap between me and my siblings, and we aren’t exactly what you would call close. I find myself getting jealous of others that have such a close relationship with theirs, I never had that, but I want Jake to.

I’m also finding it really hard at the moment, there seems to be a sudden baby boom and lots of my friends are just announcing their pregnancies or having babies, and it kills me. I’m happy for them, of course I am, I wouldn’t be a friend otherwise. But every time it happens, a little bit more of my heart breaks. I don’t expect people to put their lives on hold just because I have to. I just wish I DIDN’T have to.

Today at my appointment, Lyndsey told me she had argued with the lead consultant. Lyndsey asked her how long I should wait before we start trying again, she was told to tell me 5 years. She’s come to know me fairly well over my last couple of appointments, and knew I wouldn’t be willing to wait that long. I’m not getting any younger, am I?

The long and the short of it is this: We can start trying any time we like, however, to bear in mind that I COULD relapse. She doesn’t see me being pregnant as a risk of increasing my chance of relapse, but relapse is always a possibility, and if I relapsed during pregnancy, we’d have to make a decision to either terminate, or deliver early, depending on where about in my pregnancy I was.

No one can tell us what to do, at the end of the day, it’s a decision we have to make. Do I allow cancer to continue ruling my life, or do I just get one with things?

So that’s where we are at the moment, and yes, I have cried while writing this post. I have to say, I think this is my most personal blog yet, so please allow me to be self indulgent and feel sorry for myself a little bit.



10 responses to “The Big Decision – A difficult post to write

  • Claire Dearman

    YOU ARE COMPLETELY ALLOWED TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF do not apologise for it. I cried while reading your post because it is so clear how important this is to you. i can’t being to imagine how you feel, we struggle to have cerys for 5 years and i had given up – i dont think you should, keep fighting like a girl to have the life that you want with out boundaries set on you by ‘what if’s’

  • Ian

    Hi Roz,

    It’s difficult to know what to say, but I want to say something.

    I think your courage and bravery is amazing and your openess is so admirable. You are right of course, only you can make the decision. Mel was asked very early on after diagnosis if she wanted her eggs frozen, the thought hadn’t crossed her mind, but then when it was put to her so matter of factly, she suddenly realised how much she would wanted children in the future.

    All I can say is what I always tend to say. Deal with what you know, and take life one day at a time, of course there are various scenarios that could happen, but there always is in life. Put yourself first, you have to think of others, but ultimately, all your family and friends would want what is best for you, so that’s what you must do.

    I don’t know what else to say, but again I admire your courage and honesty so much. If I can help, I’m here, but take care and allow yourself a few tears, that’s what they’re there for… to be used when necessary.

    Ian x

  • marketingtomilk

    Well i for one don’t think you’ve being self indulgent or feeling sorry for yourself enough. A painfully difficult decision, but one i know you will make thoughtfully and with gusto. We are right behind you every step of the way.


  • Cara

    If you feel well enough in yourself now, then do it now. You have seen closer than most of us the fact that everything can be whisked away at a moments notice, with no reason, nor apology.
    In this life you want more than Jake and are very entitled to want more too. Do it as soon as you can, and if mother nature thinks it’s the right time/decision/direction then it will be yours.
    On the flip side it may never happen for you, how you will deal with that should that situation arise i have no idea, but the longer you leave it the less fertile you will become through age alone.
    My sister was sensible, she waited for the right man, she waited for the right career gap, she waited too long. Please don’t be her, don’t be sensible, do what you want to and do it NOW! x x x

  • Darryl


    Something that I’ve never told many people – but I always wanted to be a Dad. However it’s never going to be. I accept it, yes – but I wish I didn’t have to.

    You go for it – as others have said – do it when you want, seize the moment – if you don’t you could regret it. Yes sometimes things don’t work out – but sometimes they do – and I bet anything that when they do, it’s worth all the worry…

    D xxxxx

  • Kate

    Oh gosh. What a difficult decision to make. I can totally understand why you are feeling sorry for yourself. Don’t feel bad about that AT ALL.

    Make the decision that is right for you, and for your family. No-one else can really tell you what that is. I understand about wanting siblings to be close. Mine are 16 months apart, I am 18 months older than one sister and 4 and 7 years younger than the other two. I was understandably closer to my younger sister.

    Much love.

  • andthenallithoughtaboutwasyou

    I think you can cry as much as you want and you are not being self indulgent. No one can help you on this it is your decision, I just wanted to send you a massive hug xxx

  • Susan Mann

    Aww honey, what a difficult post this must have been, saying it aloud is heartbreaking. I am an only child and I understand what you are saying about not having just one child. Everyone takes their lives for granted, I know I do but when something like this happens it opens your eyes. I wish more than anything that all your dreams come true x

  • Sas Taylor

    Roz, this must be so hard for you. I never wanted children. I had a career and loved children – ones that you could hand back when you’d had enough! 😉
    We were so lucky, having our eldest two within 16 months of each other. Then, we decided we were never going through that again! 😉
    When the other two were 4 & 5 years old, I got pregnant by accident. Unfortunately “Prawn 3” never made it. But I realised then, aged 36, how much I wanted another child.
    Once you get that feeling, there’s no reason. You’re driven by emotion and nothing can stop you from wanting to try, whatever the cost.
    It happened for us, and now we have little Enso, too.
    I’m a what will be will be kind of person. Do what you think is right for you and your family. If things don’t go to plan (when do they?!) you know you will have a ton of love and support from everyone around you.

    And stop apologising – the right to cry should be written into international human rights legislation! Xx

  • rageagainstthelymphoma

    hi roz,
    thank you for your honesty and openness. i don’t have much wisdom on this subject but i know my haematologist said he had ex hodgkins women come and see him with their new babies 2 years or so post remission. i hope this may give you some encouragement as i don’t see why he’d tell me if he thought it was such a terrible idea, as he knows i want to have more children after all this is over.


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