I have a new favourite haematologist. I have seen her for my past 3 appointments. Her name is Lyndsey, she is probably about my age and she actually looks you in the eye when she talks to you.
I had a follow up appointment today, to be seen again in 2 months. Today was when we talked about pregnancy.
Let’s be clear. I’m not pregnant.
I’ve made no secret of the fact that I want another child, I’ve always been open about that. I think when I was diagnosed, I was more upset about the fact that the chemo could take my fertility than the fact that I actually had cancer. Having just one child has never been on the radar for me.
Although I wasn’t an only child, there was a huge age gap between me and my siblings, and we aren’t exactly what you would call close. I find myself getting jealous of others that have such a close relationship with theirs, I never had that, but I want Jake to.
I’m also finding it really hard at the moment, there seems to be a sudden baby boom and lots of my friends are just announcing their pregnancies or having babies, and it kills me. I’m happy for them, of course I am, I wouldn’t be a friend otherwise. But every time it happens, a little bit more of my heart breaks. I don’t expect people to put their lives on hold just because I have to. I just wish I DIDN’T have to.
Today at my appointment, Lyndsey told me she had argued with the lead consultant. Lyndsey asked her how long I should wait before we start trying again, she was told to tell me 5 years. She’s come to know me fairly well over my last couple of appointments, and knew I wouldn’t be willing to wait that long. I’m not getting any younger, am I?
The long and the short of it is this: We can start trying any time we like, however, to bear in mind that I COULD relapse. She doesn’t see me being pregnant as a risk of increasing my chance of relapse, but relapse is always a possibility, and if I relapsed during pregnancy, we’d have to make a decision to either terminate, or deliver early, depending on where about in my pregnancy I was.
No one can tell us what to do, at the end of the day, it’s a decision we have to make. Do I allow cancer to continue ruling my life, or do I just get one with things?
So that’s where we are at the moment, and yes, I have cried while writing this post. I have to say, I think this is my most personal blog yet, so please allow me to be self indulgent and feel sorry for myself a little bit.