*Before I start this post, I want to say that this isn’t an attack on anyone in any way, it’s just how I feel sometimes*
In the words of Alison Moyet, “I feel like I’m invisible”
I moved to Birmingham four and a half year ago after spending my whole life in Worcester. It’s where my friends and family are, and where we want to move back to. It’s home, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be ale to say that about Birmingham.
When I moved here, I was working, so had work friends I could socialise with, and socialising wasn’t such a big deal because I’d be at work 5 days a week anyway. Then I went on maternity leave, and those first few weeks, I couldn’t really drive, and needed to rest because of the bleed I’d had, so that was all fine. Then I had Jake, and once Neil went back to work after paternity leave, I found myself feeling quite lonely. Even when you have a husband, being a mum is a lonely task if you have no one to see during the day. Then I started to make friends and although I wasn’t out and about socialising every day, it was a life change for me, it wasn’t just me and Jake during the day anymore.
Then came the cancer. Socialising slowed right down then, I was useless pretty much one week out of two, and I wouldn’t expect people to keep track of my good days and bad days.
If being a mum can be lonely, being a mum with cancer is even worse.
Then came remission, and I tried to muster some sense of normality back into my life. Easier said than done. Then came another cancer, more surgery, more hospital appointments and more stresses.
But the socialising? The friends? It’s not the same as before. And maybe I’m kidding myself thinking that it could be. Friendships have changed and evolved since I’ve had my treatment, and why shouldn’t it? I can’t expect that not to happen just because of me. Maybe people are waiting for things to get back to “normal” for me. But what is normal? Is it after my next thyroid op is done? Is it after I’ve had the all-clear from it? Is it in 5 years time when I’m finally discharged from haematology?
And while I don’t think any of it is done intentionally, I don’t for one moment believe that anyone thinks “Oh no, I’m not inviting Roz”, I do believe that people forget to remember.
So here I am, feeling like a new mum, all over again.