Invisible

*Before I start this post, I want to say that this isn’t an attack on anyone in any way, it’s just how I feel sometimes*

In the words of Alison Moyet, “I feel like I’m invisible”

I moved to Birmingham four and a half year ago after spending my whole life in Worcester. It’s where my friends and family are, and where we want to move back to. It’s home, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be ale to say that about Birmingham.

When I moved here, I was working, so had work friends I could socialise with, and socialising wasn’t such a big deal because I’d be at work 5 days a week anyway. Then I went on maternity leave, and those first few weeks, I couldn’t really drive, and needed to rest because of the bleed I’d had, so that was all fine. Then I had Jake, and once Neil went back to work after paternity leave, I found myself feeling quite lonely. Even when you have a husband, being a mum is a lonely task if you have no one to see during the day. Then I started to make friends and although I wasn’t out and about socialising every day, it was a life change for me, it wasn’t just me and Jake during the day anymore.

Then came the cancer. Socialising slowed right down then, I was useless pretty much one week out of two, and I wouldn’t expect people to keep track of my good days and bad days.

If being a mum can be lonely, being a mum with cancer is even worse.

Then came remission, and I tried to muster some sense of normality back into my life. Easier said than done. Then came another cancer, more surgery, more hospital appointments and more stresses.

But the socialising? The friends? It’s not the same as before. And maybe I’m kidding myself thinking that it could be. Friendships have changed and evolved since I’ve had my treatment, and why shouldn’t it? I can’t expect that not to happen just because of me. Maybe people are waiting for things to get back to “normal” for me. But what is normal? Is it after my next thyroid op is done? Is it after I’ve had the all-clear from it? Is it in 5 years time when I’m finally discharged from haematology?

And while I don’t think any of it is done intentionally, I don’t for one moment believe that anyone thinks “Oh no, I’m not inviting Roz”, I do believe that people forget to remember.

So here I am, feeling like a new mum, all over again.

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3 responses to “Invisible

  • harryjsmummu

    wish i was closer…….. 😦

  • Amy

    Know EXACTLY how you feel hun, and I’m 4 hours drive away from Friends and Family, it sucks at times.
    Being a Mum changes your whole life, people forget you are a person, you are still Roz, they just label you as a parent, someone who can’t just drop everything asap to go on a night out,someone with responsibilities.

    And being poorly makes all that even more hectic, more reasons to stay home, the tiredness from being a parent now twice as bad because you have an illness to take the energy out of you aswell.

    The friends that matter are the ones that understand and make allowances for it, just as they would expect if it was them. The people who don’t make allowances aren’t worth the hassle.

  • marketingtomilk

    I totally understand the feelings of loneliness of being a mum, and a SAHM even more. But I’m lucky enough not to understand what it’s like to go through cancer. You have changed so much Roz. What you want, need, expect from life – and in such a short space of time. What you need out of friends might also have changed. Also, people never react the way you expecdt them to. I have been let down by friends at my lowest (depression, my dad dying). They’re uncomfortable, don’t know what to say, how to act so they say nothing. The absolute worst thing, because, you feel invisible. They wait for you to go back to “normal” as you say. But you will never go back, because you are different. Life has changed you, for the better in many ways. I know i’d rather someone say the wrong thing but keep talking to me, inviting me out, involving me.

    Keep writing about this Roz, so many of us have very similar feelings, you are not alone, though you may feel isolated atm.

    Big hugs M2Mx

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