Good Days and Bad Days

“I’ve learned what matters. It took a serious illness for me to learn it. But I learned it. And I’ll never be the same” – adapted from a quote by Max Lucado

Do you know, even though I finished chemo seven months ago, I still have my down days? I can’t explain why they happen, I just know that they do. And I hate them.

Yesterday was a prime example. I went to my Slimming World weigh in (a measly pound off, if anyone is wondering), left Jake with my parents for the afternoon/evening, so that I could go to the Lymphoma Support Group. While I was home alone, I started looking through photo’s of when I was pregnant and when Jake was tiny, and got to wondering if the cancer was already there, trying to pinpoint at what stage it start growing and invading my body.

But, I also see a different person. I’m thinner, my face looks younger, I had nice hair, I looked happy. Now it’s all changed and I can’t ever see myself going back to that, but it’s all I want.

I want to look back on photo’s and feel that I grew old gracefully, not because cancer forced me to, and sucked the life out of me.

I don’t expect to feel and look normal again overnight, but I do wonder how long it will be before I start getting less upset on my bad days. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I’m depressed, because I don’t think I am. I’m just frustrated. Annoyed that the girl in the first two photo’s has had so much to deal with and has now turned into the old (did I mention I’m 3o soon?) woman in the last two.

I’ll never be the person I was. She’s gone. All I have to do now is figure out who this new one is…

3 responses to “Good Days and Bad Days

  • marketingtomilk

    Oh darling, I’m sorry you feel low.
    But do you know what? Would we have connected so quickly had we not had the experiences we’ve had? Would you have been as quick to be so supportive, kind, thoughtful to me?
    We are all the products of our experiences, and even the most shocking have their purpose.
    You are not yet whole – far from it, you’ve just had major surgery ffs, but you will be soon – just a wiser, funnier, kinder, more sensitive whole.


  • jfb57

    The new you will be just as vital to the world & will be as happy & all the other things but just different. Sorry you are having a low time but you know that will pass so hang in there!

  • Susan Mann

    Hugs, huge hugs. I can imagine why you would feel this way. I’m sure it will get better with time, but that doesn’t help you. Hang in there though. x

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