Category Archives: Friends/Family

No, it’s STILL not Croup.

Last night, we paid our first visit to Children’s A&E. It’s one that I hope we don’t have to make again any time soon.

Those of you that follow me on Twitter, or are friends on Facebook will know that Jake has had a cough pretty much constantly since he was about 8 months old. I remember, because it was the day of my operation.

His last bout of it has lasted about 6 weeks and we have been to and from the doctors about 4 times. Yesterday morning was one of those times. She gave him some granules to try, sprinkled over food or directly into his mouth (yeah, that’s a likely story) and has referred him to the pediatrician’s at the Children’s hospital.

He couldn’t go 30 seconds without coughing, it was constant, and he was starting to get annoyed with it, and he was struggling to breathe, using his secondary muscles rather than his chest.

At the hospital, he had a chest x-ray which shows that he’d had infection but that it was resolving, so she didn’t prescribe him anymore antibiotics, but she has prescribed steroids and has told us to persevere with the inhaler. A lot.

Today, he has had to have 8 puffs every 4 hours. Tomorrow, 6 puffs every 4 hours, the day after, 4 puffs every 4 hours, until we are down to 2 puffs.

He is fine in himself. No temperature, not miserable. He was running around soft-play this morning as if nothing was wrong.

My poor little monkey. I hope his cough goes soon, for him, as much as my sanity!

No, it’s not Croup

Jake has a cough. Again. Or should I say still? He seems to have had a cough almost permanently since he was about 8 months old. I remember, because the first time he went to the doctors about it, was the day that I had my operation. Sometimes it’s worse than others. It can vary between just a little tickle, to a hacking cough that keeps him (and us) up at night.

It makes me feel like a terrible mother when I take him out and about and he’s coughing all the time. I feel like people look at me as if to say I should keep him at home wrapped up in the warm. But if I kept him in every time he had a cough, we would never leave the house.

It’s not like I don’t care, or that I haven’t taken him to the doctors. We’ve been to the doctors on average about once a month with the damn thing. Depending on who you see, he might get steroids, calpol, or sometimes antibiotics. He’s even been seen at the Children’s hospital. It’s not like I’m not doing my job.

We went back to the doctors today, and she suggested that it could be asthma, so has given him an inhaler to try. So far, he has been very good with it and doesn’t seem to mind me giving it to him.

It didn’t stop me having to bite my tongue when I was out at the shops today. Some random woman looked at him and said “Oh dear, that doesn’t sound good, is it croup?”

“No, it’s asthma.”

“Are you sure? It sounds croupy to me.”

“Yes, I’m sure, we’ve been to the doctors today and he’s got an inhaler!” At which point I turned around and walked off, muttering to my friend that random woman should have minded her own business!

How is it, that someone you have never seen before, and are not likely to see again can make you feel like a terrible mother in one fell swoop?

Today, You are 2!

Dear Jake,

Today, you are 2. Where the last 2 years have gone, I don’t know. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with you. I had got home from work, and I was so tired, and I just had an inkling. Daddy was out at the cinema with Uncle Nick, and I was waiting for Nanny, Granddad and Uncle Michael to come and pick me up, because we were going to the cinema too. I thought I’d do a test, even though it was the evening, and I know it’s best to do them in the morning. I thought I saw a really faint line, but wasn’t sure, and while I was waiting, the doorbell rang and it was Granddad. I had to sit through the whole film wondering if you were there or not! I was so, so happy when I realised you were.

When you were born, I asked the midwives not to tell me if you were a boy or a girl, because I wanted to see for myself. When they gave you to me, I just held  you close and was looking at you. They had to remind me to check, but I didn’t care. You were perfect. I knew there and then I would fight to the death for you. I just didn’t expect it to be so soon.

Not long after you were born, I began to realise that I wasn’t very well, and when you were still very small, at only 8 months old, I found out I had cancer. I am so sorry that you had to put up with that when you were so young. You shouldn’t have had to see your mummy going through all that, but I want to say thank you for filling my days with smiles, gurgles, cuddles and sloppy kisses. On days that I might have usually just stayed in bed, I knew that you needed your mummy.

Before my operation last January, I made Daddy promise to look after you if anything happened to me, and to make sure that you knew about me and how much I loved you. I wanted to write you a letter then, for you to keep if anything happened, but I couldn’t, because every time I thought about what to write, I would cry. Now, I tell you about twenty times a day that I love you!

You have so many people that love you, me and Daddy, your grandparents, great grandparents, Uncle Michael, Aunty Chrissy, Uncle Nick, and so many more people that I couldn’t even list.  Even the doggies love you.

You are so clever. Every day I see you learn something new. You are funny and cheeky, and so handsome.

I am so proud of you. I hate the fact that you are growing up so quickly, but I love the fact that I am still here to watch you do it. I will try my hardest not to put you through that again.

So carry on doing what you are doing, and remember that Mummy and Daddy love you lots xx

Don’t Say Nothing. Say Something.

Everyone who reads this blog will know that last week was my one year “Cancerversary”. Well, my cancerversary of my Hodgkin’s diagnosis anyway.

Blogging my way through it has been one way that I’ve dealt with it. I’ve come to make connections on Twitter that have been an amazing support. Some people don’t get it, and that’s just fine. It doesn’t float everyone’s boat. We’re all different and that is what makes life interesting.

Both times I got  my diagnosis, I made a conscious decision to post it on Facebook and Twitter, only once my friends and family knew. Some people wouldn’t, they would choose to deal with it privately and not broadcast it to all and sundry. That’s okay too.

In this post, I managed to put family and friends into six categories. Looking back at that post, I stand by everything I said. And dealing with cancer the second time round, those six categories still exist.

Someone I have a lot of respect for in the blogging community is having a hard time at the moment. I haven’t met her “in real life” but she always has an encouraging or supportive word to say to me. She is one of my favourite bloggers and you should really go and have a read to see for yourself.

Henrietta has made the point this week that people who don’t know what to say, say nothing at all. It’s not about saying the “right” thing, or the “wrong” thing. It’s about saying something. It’s about letting someone know that even if you don’t know what to say that you are thinking about them.

People will talk. I know for a fact that people who haven’t spoken to me for years have been talking about me. Did they call, text, email, send a card, even say to send their love via someone else? No. All that makes me feel like is a piece of gossip to talk about in the office kitchen or the pub.

If anything has been taught to us over the last year or so, it’s that life is too short, and we may not have forever to say the things we want to say. Treasure your family, love your friends, and show them that you do. You don’t have to say something profound or wonderful, but just say something.


Guest Posts

I have had 5 people do Guest Posts on this blog. I thought it would be a good idea if I put the links to all of them in this post, so you don’t have to trawl through.

April 2010

Christine, my sister-in-law

Alison, my cyber buddy!

September 2010

Neil, my hubby

October 2010

Amy, my lovely friend

January 2011

Steph, another lovely friend.

Guest Post 5 – The Lovely Steph xx

This next guest post is from my lovely friend Steph, another post that made me cry x

my rozzibee…. ♥

me and roz came together through the net. it seemed that wherever i wrote a thought or a feeling, she was there posting hers too. its so strange to think despite living miles apart we’ve been through so much together.

i lived through a violent and controlling relationship and everyday i had roz there. i was never alone because i had her right there with me, keeping me sane. telling me everything was going to be ok. bless her for putting up with my rants! there has been some long emails exchanged i can tell you!!

i remember when i thought i was pregnant with ella…. roz was hanging online for the test result. we were the first ones to know!

the day she told me she had lymphoma, was awful. i was in my new house with my mum. id gone into the bathroom and the text had come through and i just burst into tears. its just the cancer word. its so scary!! i came out and my mum didnt have a clue what on earth could have happened in the time it took me to walk to the bathroom and back!! i didnt want to tell her, i didnt want to say it. i just didnt want it to be true!

jake was so young, and all i could think of was the family that roz had always wanted. she finally had it. the perfect husband, the house, the car, the dogs and the baby! everything i want too. to be told you have cancer…. i just cant imagine how she felt.

i wish i was closer. i mean, could i get much further away!! its been really hard to just watch her go through all the treatment. i just wanted to be there to hold her hand and hug her. finding out that she had beat lymphoma was amazing. im so proud of this woman. then of course she told me about the thyroid cancer. i was gutted… but i can honestly say it wasnt as difficult as hearing it the first time, because roz has shown me and everyone else that shes strong enough to kick cancers ass. she will get through it, because she’s roz!

this wonderful woman, despite her own health issues is going to throw herself out of a plane in order to raise money to help other people going through what she’s been through. how amazing is that?! as soon as i saw that she had that planned, i knew straight away that that was my chance to be by her side and support her.

so roz….. one of my best friends. youve always been right there when i need you. and whatever i can do, i hope you know im right here for you too!!!

so lets strap on those parachutes and raise money for an amazing charity. for one day at least.. its me and you against the world 🙂

your a beautiful woman, a natural and amazing mother. a loving wife and one of the best friends a girl could ask for…

love you always pretty girl

Guest Post #4

My lovely friend Amy has written a guest post (which actually made me cry!!)

My Friend Roz.

I asked Roz if I could write a guest post on her blog as I have been an avid reader of it since February, Roz is one of my Best friends and has been for many years (with a little gap in between where we lost contact for a bit) She was my Chief Bridesmaid at my Wedding in 2008 (I should have made her Maid of Honour but Family duties and so on…) She has always made me laugh, been there for me when I’ve needed a shoulder to cry on and someone sensible to ask for advice. She is a friend for life.

I remember the day before she found out she had cancer, I spoke to her on the phone and told her everything would be fine that there was no way she would have cancer and that she is too young and too healthy to have such a disease. She said she knew she had it. I said not to be silly, it couldn’t be.
How wrong was I, I apologise to you Roz if I gave you false hope, I was purely trying to stay positive.

I have felt at times useless, I live a distance away and have a baby daughter who takes up most of my time, which I know Roz understands being a parent herself. I sent Roz some flowers when she told me the news, I didn’t really know what else I could do to help, how do you help someone who is helpless at that moment in time themselves?

Roz’s journey has given me strength, I have had illness over the years but never something so serious as cancer, My mum passed away from a Brain Tumour in 2001 and seeing someone you love so much go through all the pain of treatment and it not get anywhere was heartbreaking., I didn’t want Neil or Jake or any of Roz’s friends and family to have to go through that.

I hoped that Roz would beat it, I knew that Roz would beat it.

You see Roz has always been in my eyes – Strong, Determined, Caring and Honest. She may not feel like that herself at times, but that is what I see. I knew Cancer didn’t have a chance, I knew that she would Whoop its ass J

I’d like to say a HUGE Thank You to those near to Roz for the support you gave her, the support I wished I could have helped with, The chemo trips, the scans, the blood tests, the doctor and hospital appointments, the being a physical shoulder to cry on.
Thank you Neil for supporting her through thick and thin and being Roz’s Rock and Thank you Jake for being so gorgeous and brightening your Mummy’s days with smiles.

Thank you Roz for writing this Blog and using it as a way to make people more aware about cancer and specifically Hodgkin’s, also because it means we can all travel your journey with you and understand your feelings and thoughts that we probably wouldn’t be able to understand otherwise.

I saw Roz last week for the first time since she got Cancer, we had a hug, we had a cry, we had a chat about the test results that were yet to be revealed, I refrained from saying “it will be ok” I didn’t want to jinx anything.

Roz is now in Remission, (YAY!) she still has to deal with her thyroid problems, and will forever be on edge in case the cancer makes a return visit, but I hope she knows that Myself, My Husband and even my Baby Daughter are always here for her, at the other end of the phone, a text, a face book message, a 4 and a half hour car journey away.

I am SO proud of you Roz, I Love You, Thank you for being my Beautiful Friend. xxx