Here and Now

I am fed up of being constantly ill. I finished chemo nine months ago, so you’d think by now that my immune system would be back up to scratch, but no. I have pretty much been constantly ill for the last month, with a reprieve of a few days here and there.

It is really frustrating. I hate it and it’s starting to get me down. The poor doctor that I saw on Friday, I don’t think she knew what hit her when I went in to see her. There is also the small fact that I turn 30 at the end of the month, so intend on letting my hair down, and I have a nagging feeling that I will be on antibiotics, so will be the driver of the evening. 

However, with all of this going on, I do still feel fortunate. I finished chemo 9 months ago and I am still in remission. I am a member of a lymphoma forum. I don’t go on as much as I used to, but I do still check in on a regular basis and was so saddened to read about a girl called Bekah. In November, she reached complete remission after 4 years of treatment. Words she never thought she’d hear. But, this week, she has found out that she has relapsed again, yet she remains so positive.

I wish I had her strength of mind.

It does make it scary. Yes, I’m in remission. Yes, I’m cancer free. And while that is wonderful in the here and now, I would just love to know that it’s not just for the here and now, but for now and forever.


Save the Children

Save the Children have launched a campaign to make basic healthcare available and free of charge to the world’s poorest children and their mum’s. On June 13 2011, the UK is hosting a half day global vaccination summit in London, where world leaders and decision makers will decide how to get vaccines to the world’s poorest children.

In the UK, we take it for granted that our children will receive these vaccines, but these same vaccines are not available to 1 in 5 children worldwide. It is so sad that the children most at risk in the poorer countries are the children that don’t receive them. I know it’s not much fun having to take the littlies for their injections, but they are so fortunate that they are able to have them.

I was tagged by Very Busy Mama to take part in a challenge started by Red Ted Art

The challenge is simple:

1) Get your child to either draw or craft a self portrait of themselves now or in the future. (or in my case, seeing as I am so terrible at drawing, I got hubby to do it!)

3) Sign the Save the Children petition and then pass it onto your friends

4) Write a blog post about it as soon as possible, including info about Save the Children and the petition. We want as many people linked up AND signed up the petition by Sunday 29th May 2011

5) Tag 8 fellow blogger friends

Now, it’s a bit late in the day for me to be tagging people, but for everyone who reads this either from Facebook, Twitter, or email subscription, you are all tagged to sign the petition. Yes, all of you. If you blog, and you haven’t been tagged and you want to be, this is your tag.

Come on, let’s make a difference.


No, it’s not Croup

Jake has a cough. Again. Or should I say still? He seems to have had a cough almost permanently since he was about 8 months old. I remember, because the first time he went to the doctors about it, was the day that I had my operation. Sometimes it’s worse than others. It can vary between just a little tickle, to a hacking cough that keeps him (and us) up at night.

It makes me feel like a terrible mother when I take him out and about and he’s coughing all the time. I feel like people look at me as if to say I should keep him at home wrapped up in the warm. But if I kept him in every time he had a cough, we would never leave the house.

It’s not like I don’t care, or that I haven’t taken him to the doctors. We’ve been to the doctors on average about once a month with the damn thing. Depending on who you see, he might get steroids, calpol, or sometimes antibiotics. He’s even been seen at the Children’s hospital. It’s not like I’m not doing my job.

We went back to the doctors today, and she suggested that it could be asthma, so has given him an inhaler to try. So far, he has been very good with it and doesn’t seem to mind me giving it to him.

It didn’t stop me having to bite my tongue when I was out at the shops today. Some random woman looked at him and said “Oh dear, that doesn’t sound good, is it croup?”

“No, it’s asthma.”

“Are you sure? It sounds croupy to me.”

“Yes, I’m sure, we’ve been to the doctors today and he’s got an inhaler!” At which point I turned around and walked off, muttering to my friend that random woman should have minded her own business!

How is it, that someone you have never seen before, and are not likely to see again can make you feel like a terrible mother in one fell swoop?


Today, You are 2!

Dear Jake,

Today, you are 2. Where the last 2 years have gone, I don’t know. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with you. I had got home from work, and I was so tired, and I just had an inkling. Daddy was out at the cinema with Uncle Nick, and I was waiting for Nanny, Granddad and Uncle Michael to come and pick me up, because we were going to the cinema too. I thought I’d do a test, even though it was the evening, and I know it’s best to do them in the morning. I thought I saw a really faint line, but wasn’t sure, and while I was waiting, the doorbell rang and it was Granddad. I had to sit through the whole film wondering if you were there or not! I was so, so happy when I realised you were.

When you were born, I asked the midwives not to tell me if you were a boy or a girl, because I wanted to see for myself. When they gave you to me, I just held  you close and was looking at you. They had to remind me to check, but I didn’t care. You were perfect. I knew there and then I would fight to the death for you. I just didn’t expect it to be so soon.

Not long after you were born, I began to realise that I wasn’t very well, and when you were still very small, at only 8 months old, I found out I had cancer. I am so sorry that you had to put up with that when you were so young. You shouldn’t have had to see your mummy going through all that, but I want to say thank you for filling my days with smiles, gurgles, cuddles and sloppy kisses. On days that I might have usually just stayed in bed, I knew that you needed your mummy.

Before my operation last January, I made Daddy promise to look after you if anything happened to me, and to make sure that you knew about me and how much I loved you. I wanted to write you a letter then, for you to keep if anything happened, but I couldn’t, because every time I thought about what to write, I would cry. Now, I tell you about twenty times a day that I love you!

You have so many people that love you, me and Daddy, your grandparents, great grandparents, Uncle Michael, Aunty Chrissy, Uncle Nick, and so many more people that I couldn’t even list.  Even the doggies love you.

You are so clever. Every day I see you learn something new. You are funny and cheeky, and so handsome.

I am so proud of you. I hate the fact that you are growing up so quickly, but I love the fact that I am still here to watch you do it. I will try my hardest not to put you through that again.

So carry on doing what you are doing, and remember that Mummy and Daddy love you lots xx



CyberMummy Meet and Greet

Carly over at Mummy’s Shoes is hosting a Cybermummy 2011 Meet & Greet so I thought that as it is just over a month away, I ought to join in!

Name: Roz Barnwell

Blog‘kin Hodgkin’s

Twitter ID: @rozzibee

Height: 5ft 1 (with no shoes)

Hair: Brunette, for now. Am currently trying to decide between purple, or REALLY purple.

Eyes: Brown. I have two.

Likes: Baking, chocolate, talking, reading.

Dislikes:  Cliques, bullies, bananas, spiders, hospitals, cancer.


Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday


Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday